I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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