Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
