Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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