i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
