I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
