she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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