Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
