I think I have vodka in my lungs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
