If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
