Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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