he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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