My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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