my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I skipped work to stalk him.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize