She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
