My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize