I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Randomize
