As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
