did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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