Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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