I think my fart just growled at me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
