I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize