Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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