Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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