Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
