Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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