I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
