literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
