you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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