Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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