Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
