the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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