the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
