I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
