i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
