I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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