She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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