Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize