I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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