I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize