I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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