I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
