ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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