Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
