Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
so much tequila, so little girl.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
