my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
