Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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