If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
