Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
