And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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