Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
