everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
