YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
