It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
