the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
