Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
