I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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