God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
