Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
