fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
