i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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