I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
