I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
