just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize