conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
