Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
