Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
