the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize