so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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