Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Blow job season was short but glorious.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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