I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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